Maximizing Emotional Connections

In 2010 Tomkins Institute of Applied Studies on Motivation, Emotion and Cognition theme was about Maximizing Emotional Connection.  I believe the title is powerful and it resonates deep within my soul awakening a part of me that often falls to sleep. Emotional connection to other people is a necessary component in our daily life and at the base of our pursuit of happiness. However, I do believe it is impossible to connect to another person unless we are first connected to our own heart, soul, being. Or perhaps, better stated, we are able to connect to others only to the degree that we are connected to our self. Given that, the question becomes, how do we maximize the connection to our self?

The self is a complex being. Just think about the number of thoughts you have had since you got up this morning. If I were to ask you to list the thoughts that you have had about yourself, would there be a positive one thought in that list? Or, have all of your thoughts been critical of yourself? Self-criticism works the same with you as it does when you criticize another person. When you criticize someone else, the connection between the two of you becomes loose, like a flickering light bulb.

Eventually the loose connection flickers into extinction. Criticism builds walls and hurt feelings between you and others and it does exactly the same thing with yourself.

One of the easiest ways to think about shame is what Donald Nathanson says about shame, “Shame is the interruption of positive affect.” What does that mean exactly? Here are a few examples based on today’s topic.

• You get dressed for work and actually think you are looking fairly put together but you notice that there is a very small stain above one of your buttons. What usually happens is that you focus on the small stain and forget that actually your outfit makes you look bright and cheery. • You are at a restaurant and order something you want and enjoy eating. Your dinner companion says, “Do you know how many calories are in that?”• You get on the treadmill and walk for 20 minutes but for the rest of the day you beat yourself up for not going at least another 10 minutes. • You win an award at work but focus your internal dialogue that might be saying, “One day they will discover that I do not know as much as they think I know.” • You look around a party or even that you are enjoying and then notice that you are the heaviest person in the room or that your hair is a mess. I think you get the picture. In each of the above examples, it seems that you start off actually feeling positive and then you ruin your mood by allowing the negative interruption to take you down a road of malaise and disappointment. You have entered a shame spiral. Depending on how many other negative scenes are below today’s scene will depend on how deep into shame, depression, or anxiety you allow yourself to go.

In order to maximize a positive emotional connection to yourself you must be learn to tolerate positive thoughts about yourself. Really, positive thoughts about you are the key to traveling upwards to positive self-esteem and positive connection to yourself. When you feel admirable, about yourself, you will automatically feel great about the majority of other people and your compassion scale will increase. The goal is to increase our compassion toward ourselves in honest ways. Notice that I use the word tolerate above. The word tolerate implies that it takes patience and open-minded respect. In the field of psychology, we use the word with affect, affect tolerance. When I use that word with a client, I am asking them to build up emotional muscle to tolerate unpleasant emotions rather than becoming rageful or emotionally overwhelmed. When I am speaking about building up tolerance about yourself, I am asking you to do the same thing. Shame is a complex biology and when one is shame based positive feelings about oneself can actually produce nausea and gagging responses. On the Compass of Shame (Nathanson 1992) people have one of four reactions when experiencing shame, attack self, attack other, withdraw, or avoid. Often it is one of those compass points that interfere with our desire to become more compassionate about our self. In order to help you practice learning how to feel positive toward yourself, think about a time when you made a mistake. Notice how negative you feel about yourself in that situation. Now, imagine that the mistake was caused by someone you love and respect. Ask yourself, “Would I feel the same way about my friend?” And follow that question with, “What would I want to do or say to my friend that made the mistake?” Next, imagine doing that for yourself.

Gradually you will build your positive affect muscle and begin to feel increased joy, energy, and positive feelings about yourself and others.

The next few newsletters will be themed on Care of Self and Care of Others as I prepare for the Tomkins Institutes October Conference, Maximizing Emotional Connection in Dallas Texas. If you want to keep track of what I am doing, please go to www.tomkins.org and click on Fall Conference. I am the keynote speaker for Friday Night October 15.

Pre-Orders on my book, In a Moment’s Notice: A Psychologist’s Journey with Breast Cancer will be coming to www.psychotherapyunlimited.com soon. Albert Schweitzer“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. “